OH

So for the last 2 days I've been cryptically posting on Bsky about the fact that while I still enjoy my job, and, stressingly, thrive in it, I'm finding a "panic in my soul" about it. I figured now I'd write up a quick blog post about it because I don't like doing threads when I don't have to, and honestly this format just kinda suits my word-vomit stream of conciousness feelings better.

So, again, I can't really/don't wannna say what I do for work. All you need to know is that it's in my field of study, and it's a relatively dangerous job that requires me to undergo a LOT of security processes, including not being allowed to have my phone or outside contact during my work days. This didn't used to be a big deal, because I've been jobs like a teacher before, where it's DISCOURAGED to have your phone but you still have regular breaks with it. This is different, though, because currently I:

• Wake up and leave for work before my partner
• Commute for an hour and start work before they wake up
• Work until mid-afternoon where I get 15 minutes to check my messages outside of work
• I leave work in the evening and begin an hour drive home, can't contact people while driving
• I get home, and have about 3 ish hours of being able to see my partner

So here's the issue, people tell me "oh, that's just having a job" and no, it's not. I've worked for many many years, this isn't my first job, and anywhere else is less restrictive than this. I understand why it's like that, but it's....what's driving me insane, a bit. We were told all through training that "if you couldn't handle the [SUBJECT MATTER] of this job, leave now before it hurts you. That [SUBJECT MATTER] has never been an issue for me. But....this part is.

I feel like I have to say: I know people who work fulltime jobs don't see their partners/loved ones while working, and that's not new to me, because again, working a long time, but, the difference here is not ONLY the commute, but the fact that I can't shoot off a text message like "Hey, thinking of you" or say something to a friend outside of these times. It's the FULL SECURITY RESTRICTION that's really getting to me. And when that all sank in? I started to actually...panic. I've realized that...it feels like I'm effectively ceasing to exist for large parts of my week, transferring into a closed world where I'm not perceiving anything outside of it as the world passes me by.

I'm noticing effects of this too! Whole plans will be made and discarded, things will be decided with NO input from me because I'm not in a place to be reached. It's....I'm starting to lose my train of thought here, not feeling great.

It's why I've started applying to jobs with more haste, and I know what my first therapy appointment is going to be about. Like I said, I can keep doing this, it's not hurting me in ways that you would expect, but this? I'm not liking this part of it, at all.